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The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts EVER

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All you have to do is Google “Valentine’s Day Gifts” and you come up with tons of lists of the same old boring things: flowers, chocolates, lingerie, and massages. Not that those things are bad. Heck, those things are great! I’d love to get a massage while wearing fine lingerie and eating artisan truffles in a room filled with flowers but, honestly, I could do those things ANY day.

Let’s take a look at the some of the ways that Valentine’s Day gift-giving can go to the dogs. heart sweaters.jpg

We all know about Ugly Christmas Sweaters but, apparently, ugly sweaters do not discriminate based  on time of year. It seems that sweater-makers have a hard time just putting a heart on a sweater and, instead, feel a burning desire to throw on as many hearts as possible or (in the case of the far right image above) craft a sweater featuring a very angry teddy bear WEARING A SWEATER with a heart on it. OMG! It’s so meta!

Want to disregard our advice? You can buy a wide selection of hideous sweaters at, no joke, The Ugly Sweater Store.
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floral bathroom scale

In the realm of gift-giving there are few more surefire ways to go down in the annals of awful Valentine’s Day Gifts than the gift of reminding your love how much they weigh. Sure, this scale is friendly and covered in flowers, but it also features GIGANTIC digital numbers that will highlight exactly how far your Valentine is from their fitness goal. Bad move people, bad move.

Want to disregard our advice? Clearly you are a glutton for punishment. You can find this friendly, floral bathroom scale at Tmart.com.

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yard o beef

Looking to make someone feel inadequate this Valentine’s Day?

“But he LOVES sausage!” You exclaim.

I’d like to posit that a Yard O’ Beef is enough to make anyone feel, if not inadequate, at the very least slightly ill. While beef may be “what’s for dinner” it definitely shouldn’t be your sweetie’s Valentine’s Day gift.

Want to ignore our advice? Many companies produce gigantic logs of neurosis-inducing summer sausage including Wimmer’s Big N’ Meaty, Hillshire Farm’s Yard O’ Beef, and Figi’s Big and Super.

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hunting lingerieOh, lingerie. That bastion of Valentines Day. It seems like droves of hapless husbands and boyfriends gift their women with filmy, lacy underthings that are better suited for Barbie dolls than for real women with real bodies.

But this year it COULD be different.

Nothing says love and warm feelings like going out into the forest and shooting woodland creatures. AMIRIGHT?! Bring some of that same pulse-pounding feeling back into the bedroom with…uh…a Hunter’s Camo lingerie set for your favorite lady. The two of you can have tons of fun playing “hide and seek” as she blends into the background while wearing her playful, leaf-litter patterned, silky babydoll and teeny bikini panties.

Wait. Stop. No. Don’t get this for her unless BOTH of you find hunting crazy sexy. In fact, ONLY buy her lingerie if you know exactly what kind of unmentionables make HER feel sexy (as opposed to what YOU think is sexy) or, better yet, go shopping together and have a fun time picking something out and going into the dressing room together.

Want to ignore our advice? Ooohhhkay…. You can grab this Camo babydoll for your lady love at DeerGear.com. Just don’t forget the orange vest too, you wouldn’t want to mistake her for a 16-point buck.

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The ExUnless you’re trying to send a pretty specific message it’s probably a good idea to avoid this gift altogether. There are studies that show that there’s a spike of breakups right around Valentine’s Day (perhaps payback for dropping the ball on the big day?)  which means that getting your Valentine the aptly named “The Ex” Knife Set could actually be a great idea. With a variety of kitchen knives that you plunge…er…store in the cleverly-shaped knife block, this is definitely a piece to keep on your counter to warn potential mates of the fate they could suffer if, like previous applicants for your heart, they screw up on the the Big V.

Want to ignore our advice? I don’t blame you. I kind of love this thing. You can pick it up over at ThinkGeek.com.

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Check out PlaceFull and you can give experiences that the two of you can share! No more itchy lacy things to disappear into a drawer! Find a romantic wine tasting, a heart-pounding flying trapeze  class, or romantic getaway for the two of you.

Autumn Sakai is PlaceFull’s Mistress of the Blog. She’s a true Seattle native who runs in the rain, takes her kid to to the zoo in the rain, and waits for the bus in the rain. When it’s sunny she slathers on sunscreen and waits for the rain to come back. She loves a good wedding, bakes wicked awesome cookies, and secretly knows all the lyrics to ‘Yentl’. What? Don’t judge.

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